Christmas miracle DOES really happen and you are feeling grateful, thankful, and incredibly relieved (with a hint of suspense) just to be able to sit down long enough to eat at the table, without crumbling down to the floor and crawling to nearest bed.
You can go out outside, walk for more than 20 minutes, look forward to food in general and function like a human being. You can at least ‘try’ to help out around the house, get your own water, and go to the toilet without feeling miserable as f.
At the core of it all though , to be objectively speaking — my short term suffering was only fleeting, didn’t alter my life in any way, and was definitely not something as grave as I know for sure what some of my amazing mama friends went through. But I was devastated.
When I was literally lying down 20 hours a day and depressed the most with this garden variety of debilitating symptoms, I kept asking myself; why am I not strong enough mentally? I know I am physically weak(er) than most, so what is it that I’m so depressed and sad about? I know this will only last max 20 weeks (little did I know about extreme cases) and is that my absolute limit? Am I just not a good fit for this type of persevering, long term commitment that requires patience and pain?
And now that I am a bit more lucid, hopeful and not in self-destructive pity rut, I think it was just part of the process.
It was extremely confusing and scary for me to be not in control of my mental state, physical needs, and TIME; how I use it and how I choose to spend it. I am not the most productive by no means but I was not at liberty to move around the clock like I’ve been accustomed to. I was forced to lie down for HOURS! just suffering and idling, with no agenda or purpose. I was just passing time when I’m used to jumping off quick calls and splitting minutes to multi-task.
I felt like I lost the core essence of what makes me who I am, what defines me, what I try to build for myself. I think I must’ve felt like I was being capsized and my spirit was being forced out or something especially when I have a very strong sense of my ego and hold myself to the highest standards when it comes to being unapologetically myself and facing any consequences that come with it.
Anyway, losing one’s self or feeling like it can be immensely intimidating. It was for me, to a point where I think I suffered more mentally than I think was necessary. A friend of mine shared her stories with me yesterday and how her first few months with her LO was much tougher than she thought. And then she told me how she’s enjoying it so much more once she realized that “you also grow with your little one, it’s all part of the process”.
So I guess it’s form of a growing pain…learning to slow down, let go a little, control less, and also to embrace all ups and downs of my new life as a m o m m y t o b e!
