Fleeting, transitory, free..are some of the words that come to my mind as I try to record my feelings and thoughts of these recent days. I tend to think of those words frequently for some subconscious reasons and always have associated myself with them. Some sort of “mood board” to describe my general state would be comprised of those words.
When Covid started to spread and became a real “thing” in March, I wasn’t sure of what I was feeling. Thing quickly deteriorated for me (and the world) and throughout April and May, I felt like the walls of our small sized downtown condo started collapse and close out on my existence. It is not like I’m the most active and outgoing person who needs that social interaction and breath of fresh air every day. But it was more to do with my mental state and how barren, and disconnected I felt inside of my own “home”.
Fast forward half a year, I’m in a new home that we decided to purchase during pandemic. I’m feeling… possibly the for the first time the true joys of “small” pleasures that people typically refer to. Some of these things actually and mostly require constant care and attention (which I would’ve definitely avoided at all costs) but for the first time, are making me thoughtfully treasure how I feel when I am at home.
I’m talking about your run of the mill plants, succulents, random ornaments, paintings, frames, candles, votives, rocks (lol) and sculpture looking things to decorate home. I possibly attribute most and a large part of how much of a joy I feel to the constant spending streak I’ve been on as well. Cause, you know, spending is obviously fun for me before or after Covid.
But as someone who carefully avoided feeling like I have settled down, or feeling attached to things, places and possibly people as well (just who I am), I have felt a noticeable change in my mood and tendencies as I slowed down and actually gave some thoughts and attention to building out our home, which is the only world that surrounds me, both figuratively and realistically.
I have considerably slowed down the pace of how jumpy and random my mind and thoughts can take me as Covid somehow forced me (and half willingly because I can’t go outside and do normal things) to take up on old and new hobbies. I did a paint by number thing with my sister (that I’ll probably never? do again), read so many fictions as opposed to my usual non fictions choices, discovered political podcasts and random artists, and most importantly was able to stay calm and still for a long enough span at a given time to recognize my mood and feelings.
As I try to jot down these thoughts between zoom meetings, I’m still unsure about how I feel. Settling down and attachment still are not my favorite words. I intrinsically lean towards adventure, fun, discovery and evolving, dynamic, changing environment. But I finally recognize I appreciate still, calming constants that require me to continuously be present, care and pay attention. I am filled with joy when I look around in the space I call home.
I feel, at home.
